2021

The Matrix

Lana Wachowski

Sci-Fi Snoozer

What’s it all about: Three hours of lifeless dialogue crammed into a 2.5 hour movie. Instead of action sequences, evil cliché gays Neil Patrick Harris and Jonathan Groff take turns popping up to read from The Matrix instruction manual in tedious real time. Keanu Reeves – freshly yanked from his sensory deprivation tank by a rogue team of Dos Caminos servers – gets so bored on his quest to save Carrie-Anne Moss from becoming a field hockey mom, that he has to stop and watch clips from the old Matrix movies just to remind himself why he (or any of us) is even here.

First Encounter: first viewing

Prostitute Index: nil

Death By: mass transit shootings and people plunging from skyscrapers to explode on the pavement (way to keep up with the times, Matrix)

Relics: signature F/X that were impressive 20 years ago

Hoops: millennial cast members who have to explain the meta of why something is great in the hopes that millennial audience members will care 

Heartthrobs: Keanu Reeves, Toby Onwumere

Pass/Fails the Test of Time: the name “Trinity”

LoFi Magic: the Canal Street sunglasses everyone is wearing

Makes me want to: watch “River’s Edge”

Candotti Take: “He is already giving me the impression that he must be horrible in bed.” / “Hollywood is over.” 

Worth a watch/rewatch: No

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